murk

prayer lately. it's just... lists. to-do's. names. and little relationship.

it's so much easier to read about God (or read about other people reading about God) than to stir that spark of wanting-to-know-Him in my heart-of-hearts. i build habit out of the idea that action-builds-belief (just as belief reveals itself in action). so i read. i pray. there are people that i care about that i pray for, too, because i don't want to pray just about me which is what i tend to do when left to my own devices.

and i listen... and do not hear the Spirit's prompting.

i don't want to be deaf to him. i don't want my innermost being to be dead. hm. perhaps not dead exactly. comatose? unresponsive. unsensing.

community helps. even so, a struggle. maybe i'm scared (irrationally, but still) of just be-ing with God. that he'll know all of dark icky selfish un-pretty me and turn away.

assurance: hope. he has come. he has already chosen. he has worked, and continues to work, and will make all things complete.

^truths i know in my head but don't feel are true sometimes.
(confounding factor: maybe being in front of a computer for a long time makes me melancholy)

solution: God-hunts? awareness? thanksgiving?
Praise is the beauty of a Christian.What wings are to a bird, what fruit is to the tree, what the rose is to the thorn, that is praise to a child of God. -Spurgeon