A good read

http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/2011/12/in-stable-christmas-naptime-tradition.html

Awake

Oh my.

What a wonder today has been. Praise God for blessing on blessing on blessing.

Alertness.
Wakefulness.
Refreshment.

And these things in abundance, not just a pithy dabbling here and there as I tend to allot myself.

Alertness from a Sabbath day that was truly full of rest. I don't think I've ever slept so much since starting college. O.O twelve hours?! Aiyoo. Must beware of becoming slothful, lazy, covetous (wanting too much of a good thing = not good anymore). But so, so, so glad to have really received rest!

Wakefulness from the coolness of the weather outside. Just enough of a bite to see breath frosting in front of me, to pull a tinge of redness to my cheeks, to warrant a sweater being worn as I trek around campus. God, thank you for reminding me of seasons -- and not just in temperature-changing, but character- and heart-changing as well.


A Time for Everything (Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8)


 1 There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:
 2 a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 6 a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 8 a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.


And refreshment from fellowship with brothers and sisters in the faith. So glad to hear how God's been stretching us, teaching us, guiding us as we move through this third year in college. It's beautiful to see the workings of his faithfulness in us, as we grow in truth and love. And so precious to hold hands closely and pray as a body. Let's do this again! Soon soon soon!

Hehe maybe also a little hyper from my very sugarful dinner, which included: banana, gingerbread, ladyfinger, brownie, sugar cookie, cupcake, and whipped cream. Teehee. =D Happeeee. Mmmm sugarrrrrrrr. I likes very muchly.

Beloved

"Friend, all I want to say to you is “You are Beloved,” and all I hope is that you can hear these words spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold. My only desire is to make these words as spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold. My only desire is to make these words reverberate in every corner of your being— “You are Beloved.”

Yes, there is that voice, the voice that speaks from above and from within and that whispers softly or declares loudly: “You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests.” It certainly is not easy to hear that voice in a world filled with voices that shout: “You are no good, you are ugly; you are worthless; you are despicable, you are nobody—unless you demonstrate the opposite.”

These negative voices are so loud and so persistent that it is easy to believe them. That’s the great trap. It is the trap of self-rejection…

Not seldom, self-rejection is simply seen as the neurotic expression of an insecure person. But neurosis is often the psychic manifestation of a much deeper human darkness: the darkness of not feeling truly welcome in human existence. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved expresses the true core of our existence."

-- Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

Comforting Words from John Newton

The Christian calling, like many others, is easy and clear in theory, but not without much care and difficulty to be reduced to practice. Things appear quite otherwise, when felt experimentally, to what they do, when only read in a book. Many learn the art of navigation (as it is called), by the fire-side at home; but when they come to sea, with their heads full of rules, and without experience, they find that the art is only to be thoroughly learnt upon the spot. So, to renounce self, to live upon Jesus, to walk with God, to overcome the world, to hope against hope, to trust the Lord when we cannot trace him, and to know that our duty and privilege consist in these things, may be readily acknowledged or quickly learned; but, upon repeated trial, we find that saying and doing are two things. We think at setting out that we sit down and count the cost; but alas! our views are so superficial at first, that we have occasion to correct our estimate daily. For every day shows us some new thing in the heart, or some new turn in the management of the war against us which we were not aware of; and upon these accounts, discouragements may arise so high as to bring us (I speak for myself) to the very point of throwing down our arms, and making either a tame surrender or a shameful flight. Thus it would be with us at last, if the Lord of hosts were not on our side…. But if He is the Captain of our salvation, if his eye is upon us, his arm stretched out around us, and his ear open to our cry, and if He has engaged to teach our hands to war and our fingers to fight, and to cover our heads in the day of battle, then we need not fear, though a host rise up against us; but, lifting up our banner in his name, let us go forth conquering and to conquer; Rom. 16:20.


(from John Newton, in a letter to William Cowper, http://theoldguys.org/2011/11/16/john-newton-saying-vs-doing/)


Looking forward to the holiday break, to rest and renewal. Too often I try on my own strength to do things and fail, again and again. Thank God for his forgiveness and faithfulness, for not relinquishing his hold on me though I turn aside and look with undiscerning eyes to things that do not fulfill. Too often I quake in my heart for fear, like Much-Afraid in Hinds' Feet on High Places -- and fear of what? lack of control? not knowing what's coming next? abandonment? hurt, disappointment, pain? receiving more than I feel I deserve?
We need not fear.


Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Quotes from Hind's Feet on High, by Hannah Hurnard

[On love]

"Then will you let me plant the seed of true Love [in your heart] now?" asked the Shepherd. "It will take you some time to develop hinds' feet and to climb to the High Places, and if I put the seed in your heart now it will be ready to bloom by the time you get there."

Much-Afraid shrank back. "I am afraid," she said. "I have been told that if you really love someone you give that loved one the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can."

"That is true," agreed the Shepherd. "To love does mean to put your self into the power of the loved one and to become very vulnerable to pain, and you are much-afraid of pain, are you not?"

She nodded miserably and then said shamefacedly, "Yes, very much afraid of it."

"But it is so happy to love," said the Shepherd quietly. "It is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain, too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant."

[On praise]

Once the Shepherd stooped and touched the flowers gently with His fingers, then said to Much-Afraid with a smile, "Humble yourself, and you will find that Love is spreading a carpet of flowers beneath your feet."

Much-Afraid looked at Him earnestly. "I have often wondered about the wild flowers," she said. "It does seem strange that such unnumbered multitudes should bloom in the wild places of the earth where perhaps nobody ever sees them and the goats and the cattle can walk over them and crush them to death. They have so much beauty and sweetness to give and no one on whom to lavish it, nor who will even appreciate it."

The look the Shepherd turned on her was very beautiful. "Nothing my Father and I have made is ever wasted," He said quietly, "and the little wild flowers have a wonderful lesson to teach. They offer themselves so sweetly and confidently and willingly, even if it seems that there is no one to appreciate them. Just as though they sang a joyous little song to themselves, that it is so happy to love, even though one is not loved in return.

"I must tell you a great truth, Much-Afraid, which only the few understand. All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at. Every inner response of the human heart to Love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of Love. Many a quiet, ordinary, and hidden love, unknown to the world, is a veritable garden in which Love's flowers and fruits have come to such perfection that it is a place of delight where the King of love himself walks and rejoices with His friends. Some of My servants have indeed won great visible victories and are rightly loved and reverenced by other men, but always their greatest victories are like the wild flowers, those which no one knows about."

[On waiting]

"Shepherd," she said despairingly, "I can't understand this. The guides You gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself. Tell them we are not to go there, and show us another way. Make a way for us, Shepherd, as you promised."

He looked at her and answered very gently, "That is the path, Much-Afraid, and you are to go down there."

"Oh no," she cried, "You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, You would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised."

"No," said the Shepherd, "it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible."

[On obedience]

"Whenever you are willing to obey me, Much-Afraid, and to follow the math of my choice, you will always be able to hear and recognize my voice, and when you hear it you must always obey. Remember also that it is always safe to obey my voice, even if it seems to call you to paths which look impossible or even crazy."

[On fear]

Though she felt too ashamed to do it, she did so because she was forced by her extremity. She cried out, "O Lord, I am oppressed; undertake for me. My fears have taken hold upon me and I am ashamed to look up." 

"Why Much-Afraid." It was the Shepherd's voice close beside her. "What is the matter? Be of good cheer, it is I, be not afraid." He sounded so cheery, so full of strength and moreover without a hint of reproach, that Much-Afraid felt as though a strong and exhilarating cordial had been poured into her heart and that a stream of courage and strength was flowing into her from his presence. 

She sat up and looked at him and saw that he was smiling, almost laughing at her. The shame is her eyes met no answering reproach in his, and suddenly she found words echoing in her heart, which other trembling souls have spoken. "My Lord is of very tender compassion to them that are afraid." [...]

"Much Afraid", said the Shepherd again, "tell me, what is the matter? Why were you so fearful?"

"It is the way you have chosen for me to go, " she whispered. "It looks so dreadful, Shepherd, so impossible. I turn giddy and faint whenever I look at it. The roes and the hinds can go there, but they re not limping, crippled or cowardly like me." 

"But Much-Afraid, what did I promise you in the Valley of Humiliation?", asked the Shepherd with a smile. Much-Afraid looked startled and the blood rushed into her cheeks and ebbed again, leaving them as white as before. "O Shepherd, you said you would make me feet like hinds' feet and set me upon mine in the High Places."

"Well," he answered cheerily, "the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the paths which the hinds' use---like this one." Much-Afraid trembled and looked at him shamefacedly. "I don't think I want hinds' feet if it means I have to go on a path like that, " she said slowly and painfully. Instead of looking either disappointed or disapproving, the Shepherd actually laughed again.

"Oh, yes you do," he said cheerfully. "I know you much better than you know yourself, Much-Afraid. You want it very much, indeed and I promise you these hinds' feet. Indeed, I have brought you on purpose to the back side of the desert, where the mountains are particularly steep and where there are no paths, but the tracks of the deer and of the mountain goats for you to follow and the promise may be fulfilled. What did I say to you the last time we met?" 

"You said, 'Now thou shalt see what I will do,'" she answered reproachfully and added, "But I never dreamed you would do anything like this! Lead me to an impassable precipice up which nothing can go but deer and goats, when I am no more like a deer or a goat than is a jellyfish. It's too---it's too---" She fumbled for words, then burst out laughing. "Why, it's too preposterously absurd! It's crazy! Whatever will you do next?" 

The Shepherd laughed too. "I love doing preposterous things," he replied. "Why, I don't know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength and fear into faith and that which has been marred into perfection. If there is one thing more than another which I should enjoy at this moment is turning a jellyfish into a mountain goat. That is my special work," he added with the light of a great joy in his face. "Transforming things---to take Much-Afraid, for instance, and transform her into---" He broke off and then went on laughingly. "Well, we shall see later on what she finds herself transformed into". 

It really was an extraordinary scene. In the place where just a little while before all had been fear and despair were the Shepherd and Much-Afraid, sitting on the rocks at the foot of the precipice, laughing together as though at the greatest joke in the world. 

"Come now, little jellyfish," said the Shepherd, "do you believe that I can change you into a mountain goat and get you to the top of the precipice?"

"Yes," replied Much-Afraid. 

"Will you let me do it?" 

"Yes," she answered, "if you want to do such a crazy and preposterous thing, why you certainly may." 

"Do you think I will allow you to be put to shame on the way up?" Much-Afraid looked at him and said something that she had never been willing to say before.

"I don't think I mind so very much if you do; only have your will and way in me, Shepherd. Nothing else matters."

Giving of thanks

Tired this weekend. But lots of things to be thankful for, to be glad about, like:

Beauty.
Exploration.
Glorious weather.
Good long girl talks.
Random acts of kindness.
Smiling at strangers.
Early mornings.
Baking.
Food.
Hugs.
Chivalry.
Spontaneity.
Late-night ramblings.
Catching up with old friends.
Time with the Word.
Encouragement.
Sharing.
Prayer.

Especially when the world entices me to fear (of change, of adult responsibility, of the darkness of human nature, of deep-seated bitterness, of  lack of desire and motivation and impetus, of things unknown), I thank God for his promise of security in salvation in Christ Jesus, a salvation and redemption that can never be taken away no matter the circumstances. Transform my heart, take away my desire to hold my life in my own two hands. Your provision is more than enough.
And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.


So, so thankful for Your constancy, Your faithfulness, and for the gift of fellowship with brothers and sisters in the faith.

Thankful also for sleep and rest. Starting now. Goodnight, world.

Future

Something I heard today at Caren's church --

God writes the last chapter of our lives; what is there to be afraid of in the future?

Blessings

Things I am thankful for:

• amazing older brothers and sisters in Christ, and their sharing and caring and vulnerability and encouragement
• wonderful younger brothers and sisters who are thoughtful, sincere, and unexpectedly kind
• family at home who support me and call me even when I don't remember to call them
• PAIR kids who really appreciate what we do, who are curious and enthusiastic about learning, who want to develop deeper relationships with their volunteers
• good friends in college to learn alongside and grow from and build up
• time set apart to listen in the silence
• physical rest
• a relational and personal God who forever loves, cares for, and listens to His children

And a beautiful poem that Audrey Hepburn loved:

Time-Tested Beauty Tips

For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,
seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,
let a child run his fingers through it once a day.

For poise,
walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed, revived,
reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed ...

Never throw out anybody. Remember, if you ever need a
helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands.
One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

10 Resolutions for Mental Health

It's spring recess! Yay! And I just read a beautiful set of resolutions:

1. At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.

2. Instead of the accustomed idea of a mindless and endless evolutionary change to which we can neither add nor subtract, I shall suppose the universe guided by an Intelligence which, as Aristotle said of Greek drama, requires a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think this will save me from the cynicism expressed by Bertrand Russell before his death when he said: "There is darkness without, and when I die there will be darkness within. There is no splendor, no vastness anywhere, only triviality for a moment, and then nothing."

3. I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities. I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence, but just as likely ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.

4. I shall not turn my life into a thin, straight line which prefers abstractions to reality. I shall know what I am doing when I abstract, which of course I shall often have to do.

5. I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.

6. I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying and ecstatic" existence.

7. I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the "child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder."

8. I shall follow Darwin's advice and turn frequently to imaginative things such as good literature and good music, preferably, as Lewis suggests, an old book and timeless music.

9. I shall not allow the devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as Charles Williams suggested, "fulfill the moment as the moment." I shall try to live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

10. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I shall bet my life on the assumption that this world is not idiotic, neither run by an absentee landlord, but that today, this very day, some stroke is being added to the cosmic canvas that in due course I shall understand with joy as a stroke made by the architect who calls himself Alpha and Omega.

So many blessings =)

borrowed from John Piper at http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/10-resolutions-for-mental-health

Top Chef

Last year, CCF held a Top Chef competition between master chef Dennis and master chef(ette?)s Susan and Ann. It was awesome. It meaning the preparation, the cooking, the smelling (of good food), and -- best of all -- the eating. =D

Anywhos, I saw this video, and it's super-cute. Plus, watching it is for a good cause.

Korean food = yum!

Navigators

Last week was spring break at Rice, and oh, what a wonderful break it was! I had the chance to travel to the beautiful city of Boston with two lovely lady friends, and we quite thoroughly explored the city of Boston and the Cambridge area. =) It was good getting to know these two friends better, and having the time to relax and talk and eat -- and eat a lot we certainly did, in between trekking from place to place and getting somewhat lost on the way.

We had the chance to go to Park Street Church with Andrew, and I certainly learned a lot that Sunday, both through the sermon and in our fellowship over lunch with Adrian, Rebecca, and John. Things like reaching out to the homeless... At Rice, it is too easy to stay in this lovely campus bubble separated from the reality of how much desperate need there is. Need for a listening ear, need for a look of compassion (not pity), need for feeling intrinsic worth as a person, need for understanding (not judgement). And all these things, I feel, stem from one greater need -- a need for the one true God of all. He's the one sustainer, redeemer, savior, friend who will never ever fail.

One thing that I noticed... too often I forget the person of God, being busy pursuing all the things I think that I should do. But where is God in all these things after which I seek? Why don't I put Him first, why don't I see His presence in everything? I guess part of my issue is being happy with being busy and forgetting to actively look for the ways God is working all around (and in) me and neglecting to continue seeking to know God.

The pastor at Park Street talked briefly of the "hand" mnemonic that the Navigators use in their ministry. To know God, time must be spent with His word... And here's the supercool "hand"y tool they recommend to learn from the Bible, starting from the pinky and going to the thumb:

"HEARING 

READING 

STUDYING 

MEMORIZING 

MEDITATING "

And I've resolved to pull myself out of my several-year-long memorization-hole and start (re)memorizing verses again. =) I pray that God speaks to me through his Word, and that the verses being written in my mind and heart really truly navigate me through the crazy waters of college life and beyond.

Oh, the wisdom of Mother Theresa

"It is not how much we give but how much love we put into giving."

"If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

"We have not come into the world to be numbered; we have been created for a purpose; for great things: to love and be loved."

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We only have today. Let us begin."

Indeed, let us begin.

Thoughts

I haven't blogged in quite some time, as sister G. mentioned earlier tonight. I had the opportunity to email chat online with her and with sister A. today, which was really nice as I haven't had the chance to talk deeply with either of them in a while. i am glad, though-- I got to talk with my mom for a long while on Saturday, and started emailing my dad.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about family -- What is it? How does it work? And conversely, what is a family not? How does a family become disconnected? All this thinking has been in the framework of analyzing my own family, I suppose, as it is the family I know the best -- not having had the opportunity to make a family of my own (and this is an opportunity I hope I will have someday, but probably won't happen soon). This led me to thinking about other things, like...

One theme has been repeated to me several times today and in the past week: love. I heard about love in the framework of the husband-and-wife relationship founded on mutual submission described in Ephesians 5 by Paul. In Sunday School class, we studied the latter half of Romans 13, and we examined the way Christians are to love with the understanding that the Day is coming-- when there is no turning back, no more second chances; when time is up. And lastly, I was reading online (once again) and came upon this quote by Martin Luther King Jr:

"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love."

(Side note: MLK is awesome. Isn't his writing amazing? What power, what truth, what brevity! I know that his day has gone by already, but we should recognize him tous les jours, not just on day a year. End side note.)

The word love appears in the Bible 686 times, according to biblegateway. And it is the key word in the two greatest commandments that Jesus gave to his disciples: to love God and to love others.

Now, the word love appears in my speech all the time -- "I love you!" to a sibling, or "much love" scribbled at the end of a letter, or "I love this [insert food, craft, music, or pretty object here]" or any number of other catchphrases. And I'm pretty sure that the definition of love as I use it in my speech changes all the time, though it is still the same four letters that I repeat over and over again. But when I use the word love, when I try in my simple and ofttimes foolish way to love, do I reflect the love that God has showered upon me?

I guess what I have issue with is trust. Deep inside me, I fear a lot of things. I fear rejection. I fear the knowledge that I am giving of myself and the recipient of this gift doesn't want it. I fear loneliness. I fear helplessness. I fear uncertainty. All these things I know in my head are fears planted by the evil one, who probably enjoys the fact that I may wallow in my fear forever. But I know that there is a lifeline out -- and that there is someone who never will abandon me, who has never stopped looking out for me. And to Him I trust my life, even when I fear that life is falling into chaos.

This is my prayer tonight. Lord, you are the one creator, mighty in deed and mighty in truth. Thank you for caring about me, even though my life is but a tiny thread in your wondrous tapestry. Help me in this in this dark age to seek after you fully. Help me to love you and to learn more about you. Teach me submission, meekness, and humility. As decisions are made for the future, whether by me or by others, please guide me to do what is right. Help me to use my words to build up others, to use my talents to serve, to want good things for others rather than for myself. Thank you for being one on whom I can depend fully. Thank you for loving me, and for putting people in my life who demonstrate your love for me also.