productivity

remembering this as i prepare to leave tanzania and head home...
http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/four-productivity-lies

thought fragments

- wow, I miss babies. a lot. thankful for ppl who "share" their little ones with me (even over skype ^_^)
- less awkward than expected convo with ex (surprising, good! glad); and the great reveal (it's official! "going steady" with a special dear young man)
- walking/sitting on the beach (yay sand and salt and waves and time-to-ponder-and-pray) is not a great idea when a female, alone, and "exotic" -- got hit on, stared at, catcalled. sigh. ignorance of manners/propriety? or never-gonna-see-her-again-so-i-can-be-as-rude-as-i-want mentality? o.O
- first alcoholic beverage in tanzania -- gin and tonic and lime. actually pretty good, though most likely bc my ratio was like 5% gin 95% tonic lol. but pleasantly smooth. drinking responsibly at home with shafik. fun!
- impending wedding bells for the first of the yeh sibs, at long last!!! (God willing) whoohoooo
- i need to learn how to sit in chairs properly.
- debating further educ vs entering the workforce -- 5Ws+H ("calling"? "just do it"? thankful for His sovereignty in the midst of my messiness/confusion)
- tobymac and timbetold are fabs for dancing in the apt

old lady

wowzers. i'm an old lady masquerading as a young woman. haha totally win the prize for most homebody expat in dar. not interested in the typical nightlife -- bar scene not really my thing, though people-watching is fun for a short time. lol my roommates and i went out last weekend "for drinks" -- and i got a stoney tangawizi (gingerbeer produced by cocacola, non-alcoholic and deLIcious) and were headed back home by 11pm. totally missed the party scene which apparently starts up after 1030m and moves from one bar/restaurant to the next through the wee hours. and tonight, my 55yo apartment-mate is about to head out to watch the new james bond (1030pm showing) at the cinema (it's magic monday! 5500 Tsh = ~$2 per ticket), and i.... am yawning my head off and ready for bed.

ah well. enjoy the early hours while i can! no regret or fomo! glad to be up in the morning before 6 without an alarm! thank you God for making the sun rise and set at the same time every day here... so so cool to be living near the equator.

^.^ and glad for people at home (where home is defined by the people, not the place) to skype with early in the morning too <3 br="">

TK sermon notes

Thoughts to dwell on...
(cf Gen 50:12-21)
With God, silence is not absence; hiddenness is not impotence.
The reweaving of trust takes time.
Reconciliation in three statements (Joseph's threefold reply -- pinnacle of OT/NT faith: to leave all the rightings of wrongs to God, to see God's providing hand in man's malice, to repay evil not only with forgiveness but practical affection... these foreshadow Christ! and are also marks of a man whose heart has been changed by grace)
1) avoid God's chair
putting yourself in the place of God is at the heart of most all of our problems: assuming that you can be your own moral authority
-decide right/wrong for yourself --> what did the serpent ask adam and eve to do? instead of submitting to God's word and authority, put yourself in the place of God by
-let people look to you to meet their deepest needs --> don't ask me to do what only God can do. (therapist, doctor, politician, teacher, minister... programs, theories to help, but ultimately only God can answer our deepest needs/problems)
-inordinate worry --> "i know what has to happen; i'm afraid God's not going to get it right"
-keep a grudge --> holding onto anger, resentment, vengeance is BEING God (RIGHT to sit in judgment, KNOWLEDGE of what they deserve, and POWER to not become evil) 
// LOTR = in winning you lose; the only way out is to throw the ring in the fire
// the fastest way to become like satan is to try to be God. if you refuse put yourself in the place of God, it's the fastest way to gain godliness
2) take God's view
perspective: how do you look at your troubles? from the top or down in the valley?
"you meant it for evil; God meant it for good" -- cannot separate these two ideas (either-or God is good OR God is bad/absent)
life is terrible/hard/full of pain (evil is real and present) BUT God is good // Holy Spirit must open your eyes to this truth
you can't muck up your life; you can't get sunk; there IS no Plan B
3) image God's love
love your enemies: how? (1) and (2) are prereqs: enormous humility + confidence
foundation: God loves me, though I don't deserve it; God has taken care of me. unmerited undeserved grace of God. no works, favor doesn't rest on my performance. humbled and assured.
you can do BETTER than Joseph did: John the Baptist is the best UP TO his time, but the least in the kingdom of God is greater than he - why? BECAUSE JESUS (God brings good out of evil - to the max)

Reading list

First, to finish what I've started...
The Cost of Discipleship, by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

And then...
Loving Well, by William Smith (preview available here)
Finally Alive, by John Piper

quote from the last that struck me hard --
God sees the line between the regenerate and the unregenerate perfectly. We don’t. But there is such a line, and those who have been born again are being changed, even if slowly, from one degree of humility and love to the next.

King David's final benediction-prayer

But who am I, and what is my people, that we should be able thus to offer willingly? for all things come from you, and of your own have we given you. for we are strangers before you and sojourners, as all our fathers were. our days on the earth are like a shadow, and there is no abiding. O Lord our God, all this abundance that we have provided for building a house for your holy name comes from your hand and is all your own. I know, my God, that you test the heart and have pleasure in uprightness. in the uprightness of my heart I have freely offered all these things, and now I have seen your people, who are present here, offering freely and joyously to you. O Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, our fathers, keep forever such purposes and thoughts in the hearts of your people, and direct their hearts toward you. Grant to Solomon my son a whole heart that he may keep your commandments, your testimonies, and your statutes, performing all, and that he may build the palace for which I have made provision.
1 chron 29

On repeat

This Page CXVI playlist

... on Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand

Nvm that

After blowing off steam (last night's post taken down, though if you rss you probably already saw/have it) and talking with boy-of-interest about what to do with other guys, have a plan of action and feeling much better. Thanks for listening! (though if anyone has recommendations for getting out of entanglements and uncertainty, would love to learn from you. preemptive strike! clarity ftw!)

[documentation] Some random phrases/ads in English that I've seen here in Dar:
- hubbly bubbly (Coca cola advertisement)
- john shop (tho maybe ppl don't think about prostitutes and johns here... maybe it's a bad sign if that's what I think of. mind in gutter? =/)
- smooch (what do you think this shop sells? not the most intuitive)

Baltimore brief

So good to be back! =) 

-Meeting friends I haven't seen in a while -- and finding old friends from high school (surprise, surprise!) who I didn't know would be here -- and catching up with profs. And good advice for upcoming travels/work.

-Super excited for PHCF and JHIF this year and all the folks who are emerging from the cohorts of new (and old) students who are seeking fellowship and spiritual growth this year. 

-Visiting lab, super nostalgia -- PCRs and mass specs and TBST and falcon tubes and *da best* glassware with rubber lips to reduce spillage and oh the smell! Haha but truth be told, I only miss lab because I'm not in it and will most likely not be returning to benchwork. Remember the good stuff, forget the drudgery and painful pieces. 

-Also, burgeoning feelings being put on back burner after a good DTR (and conclusion: let's wait and see... too much tbd for both of us right now). But... much like. 

Huh.

Documentation: First time I realized *while it was happening* that I was getting hit on. Fascinating. I'm improving at self-awareness!

1000 reasons

bless the lord, oh my soul... (one of my fave songs)

I think today might be the first time in a really, really, really long time that I truly took a Sabbath all day Sunday... rest, time with God, time with people (well, over the phone at least lol), time with nature, and a good dose of gratefulness. much joy in small things. (documentation so I don't forget, a la Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts)

- 1.5hr good-morning-and-on-the-way-to-church call with big sister huzzah!
- magic porridge (transformation of my homemade PB granola bars plus steelcut oats and liberal sprinkling of chia soaked overnight and cooked in the morning)
- alone-at-home psalms-listening and worship-jamming time
- esvonline
- highlighters that don't bleed through the super-thin pages of the Bible
- pens with smooth-flowing ink
- hill country bible church central. what a lovely church. so excited for its transition (merging with midtown) next week, and for what God's doing in and through this vibrant and loving congregation.
- also, really needed to hear today's message on ps131. humility. amen.
- this thin-lined journal that Ms. C gave me... faithful companion for notes and thoughts and scribblings this year.
- stir fryyyyyy
- also, period. this year is the first year that I've experienced the aches and pains that come along with it... so, while unpleasant now, I am very thankful for the good decade or so of undeserved and un-planned-for reprieve.
- naps
- firm mattresses
- new music to dance in my room to! hehe (thanks to RW for sharing the link!)
- mwahahaha broil-your-own-pizza partay (mozz, jalapeno, and evoo on pita)
- shoal creek is my new fave trail. haha it's also the only trail that's walking-accessible to me sans vehicle in this city, but SO COOL. walked/jogged (but mostly explored) 6.5mi post-dinner -- so much green space! trees. greenery. stream to cross (many times). rocks to clamber over. big tree trunks to climb. signposts with historical factoids. stony overhangs. leash-free dogs. trail interspersed with parks -- with swings! also, WHO KNEW there was a skateboarding park here?! so fun to watch these fellas zooming up and down and all around keke =D. ended at town lake, got to listen to tonight's free concert (courtesy of the Austin Symphony, every Sunday at 8pm over the summer) -- brass/jazz ensemble today -- from the bridge as I leaned on the railing and watched the sun go down. beautiful. moon just a sliver in the sky. very thankful for not getting lost... and for not getting in trouble for exploring parts of the trail that may or may not have been closed. haha. and thankful for time just to BE with God, and to think out a lot of the burdens/worries I've been carrying and pushing to the back burner.
- a surprisingly juicy month-old lime for an impromptu honey-limeade for rehydration (haha made me think of moses getting water out of a rock...)
- goodnight phone calls.
- faithful C who has been my partner in Fabs Harford's spiritual bootcamp (toned-down version) all year -- today's Day 216 (!!! say whaaa?!)
- nine days left before going home!

Reading

This. happy sigh. http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/oct/15/neil-gaiman-future-libraries-reading-daydreaming loooove!

keke, also happy because last night instead of spending hours on the computer doing resarch data abstraction on one monitor + streaming (insert tv show here) on another monitor as whitenoise-entertainment as I have been doing most nights post-workday... I read an entire 400+ pg book for fun. wheee! been a while. indulgence. lol also had a nice long phonechat with little bro davodyman =)

glad to have been here in austin this summer, and sad to go because these weeks have gone by so so quickly... but excited for what the next few months will bring! much stretching+growing to come.


-----------
also, learned a cool new word just now: qua
"as, in the capacity of," from Latin qua "where? on which side? at which place? which way? in what direction?" figuratively "how? in what manner? by what method?; to what extent? in what degree?" correlative pronominal adverb of place, from PIE *kwo-, stem of relative and interrogative pronouns (source also of Old English hwa "who;" see who).
http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=qua

Eugene Cho

This was really good to read today. http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/08/when-our-bigs-plans-unspoken-dreams-arent-turning-out-at-all

Quote

“As a weak limb grows stronger by exercise, so will your faith be strengthened by the very efforts you make in stretching it out toward things unseen. How was it with him who had the withered hand? When Jesus said to him, “Stretch forth thy hand,” did he reply, “I have no power to do so”? No, he made a great effort to thrust it forth; and, in the act of so doing, Jesus gave the needed strength. And now I say to you, Go and do thou likewise. Stretch out the poor, weak hand of faith; and the more you do so the stronger it will become.” -John Hill Aughey, Spiritual Gems of the Ages, p95-96

Quote

“A man’s word is a little sound that flies into the air, and soon vanishes; but the Word of God is greater than heaven and earth, yea, greater than death and hell, for it forms part of the power of God, and endures everlastingly.”
-Martin Luther, Table Talk, xliv

Charisma

Participated for the first time in a super charismatic church meeting tonight, complete with prayers and laying of hands and healings. So fascinating. Powerful work, and beautiful testimonies.

Too tired to process completely but needed to jot down a note to come back to later.

Now I understand a little better the spiritual background of some of my friends who I imagine grew up in churches like this. So very thankful for the insight, and for hearing/experiencing teaching from a different perspective than what I'm comfortable with. And for God just being very very present through it all.

Austin!

Is a lovely city, oh my. =) Thankful for so much -- abundance of blessings poured out.

a couple tidbits:

- had been worried about a place to stay this summer --> friend A who had a room open up in her apt... and what a joy it has been to live here! hehe glad for adventures tidying up and trying new foods and arts/crafts. and for re-learning how to live with people and share space. fun times working out and cooking with roommates. also a good reminder to not live life alone / wholly independent / super selfishness, but rather in relation with folks...

- green space!! oh my goodness gracious, this city has been fun to explore for its parks and lakes and bridges and creeks... streams with rocks to balance my way across, trees to clamber up... puppies and turtles and lots of birds and people... hehe so much scope for walking adventures! much appreciation for lou neff point / zilker park / lady bird lake and shoal creek trail... good times for talking with God and taking joy in nature-beauty-adventure.

- church folks. I can see God working here, and it's really encouraging. his spirit linking what seems to be random conversations in the car into actual teaching points in the sermon and discussion... and big focus on growth as a whole-church community not segregated by age. (though sortof by language...) and Stone is cool, too! so excited to see what God's doing here in this city.

- work! fun! super sweet co-workers (though way overworked, and hopefully my being around alleviates a little bit of their burden). practicing being flexible and asking for help/advice/work to do. made my cubicle into a standing desk... to help make sure I don't fall asleep >.< but other than that, been fun to learn esp considering I didn't really know what this internship was going to be, and how crazy a rush it was between comps and moving out and parents-moving-house and moving here. so super duper thankful for how easy it has been to settle in here. andddd they've invited me to the maternal/child health conference they're holding in houston next week! wheeee =) so excited to learn/experience what's going on in the mch world on a state level (and live in a hotel for free!) -- and to be back again so soon! <3 p="">
fullness of joy today.

and today's devo from spurgeon's daily faith check book:

He Constantly Abides

For the Lord will not forsake his people for his great name's sake; because it hath pleased the Lord to make you his people. (1 Samuel 12:22)

God's choice of His people is the reason for His abiding by them and not forsaking them. He chose them for His love, and He loves them for His choice. His own good pleasure is the source of their election, and His election is the reason for the continuance of His pleasure in them. It would dishonor His great name for Him to forsake them, since it would either show that He made an error in His choice or that He was fickle in His love. God's love has this glory, that it never changes, and this glory He will never tarnish.

By all the memories of the Lord's former lovingkindnesses let us rest assured that He will not forsake us. He who has gone so far as to make us His people will not undo the creation of His grace. He has not wrought such wonders for us that He might leave us after all. His Son Jesus has died for us, and we may be sure that He has not died in vain. Can He forsake those for whom He shed His blood? Because He has hitherto taken pleasure in choosing and in saving us, it will be His pleasure still to bless us. Our Lord Jesus is no changeable lover. Having loved His own, He loves them to the end.

entrenched

So tomorrow's my official last day of year 1 of this MSPH program. Comprehensive exam from 830-530, how exciting. But then my cohort will be done with classes and "required knowledge" and off we will scatter for practicum!

But that's not the point of this post, because as important as this exam is, there are just some things I need to write out and get off my chest tonight.

Ugh, my family is so dysfunctional.

You know, this year, I had been pretty in awe of how God's been working in my family -- my parents in particular -- to repair relationships and improve communication (both verbal and non-verbal) and build trust. But oh MY is it easy for Satan to just pop in and feed lies in our hearts and help along frustration and anger and disunity.

I had spent all day studying (cramming) at school, so I called A- on my walk back to my apt just to check on how things were at home. (My parents are moving to a place < 5min from our old house... which, combined with end-of-school for my mom and graduations and random children dropping home for a couple days for a summertime visit and dad having a business trip in India, equals super stress time. sigh especially because certain people in this family (ok me included) have some holding-onto-sentimental-things issues so there's just a lot of STUFF in this house our family of six has lived in for the past 15 or so years.)

And that phone call lasted for two hours, and I ended up eating my dinner while lying on the floor under my desk because my phone was running out of juice... and because my mom totally freaked out about the bajillion-and-one things she has on her plate.

Now, I love my mom. But seriously?! A lot of these things that she's stressed over are way out of her control. And I'm really sorry, but children at home != people who can read your mind and do exactly what you would do. We're people too, with thoughts and feelings and plans and hopes of our own, which may or may not entirely match up with yours. Maybe I can strive to be a "good daughter" and even a considerate, listening, obedient one, but that does NOT mean I'm an extension of you. Wowzers. And why does getting a PhD = changing the world? And how is me pursing a PhD the biggest thing you worry about for me anyway?! What is with this buy-in with worldly success and fame/prestige/credentials? (none of which are necessarily bad on their own, and can indeed be great and wonderful things if used properly, but still, way far from the "chief end of man"). Aughhhhghhgh.

Okay, calming down. I should not bash her. Should acknowledge/confront my own issues.

- Mediator-peacemaker role in family not working so hot because I'm not very full-of-peace-and-joy right now. Really really need supernatural filling of the Holy Spirit, and not  reliance on my own strength or usual equilibrium.

- ??? for the future. What am I doing after December this year? I dunno. (Actually, even though I have a couple things hashed out between now and Dec, jobs and locations that I'm really excited for, there's still a lot of unknowns.) Grow in faith and trust, each step of the way...
Sub-fear: this fall, it'll be my first time in a place where majority of folks are (1) Muslim and (2) non-English-speaking. So that's kinda scary. Exciting, too. And eager to see how I can fit into this community (heh though I'm pretty sure I'll stick out as an azongo given my skin color) and be a witness for Jesus in the ways that I live and work and interact with folks... but still, kinda scary. Need super-connection with God during this time.

- Fear for continued graduate studies. One reason my mom blew up tonight was because she's been pushing me towards a PhD for... well, since I decided not to go to medical school. And I haven't pursued that because I dunno if that's what I want or where I'll be useful.
Things that say "go for it", or at least, not "don't do it" -- GRE scores still valid for a couple years; if stay at Hopkins, then reduced tuition and I do really like my profs here and such amazing work and pre-established relationships; current coursework would count towards PhD coursework so could get done faster; PhD getting more standard expectation in terms of professional credentials; plenty of (Asian) family friend encouraging me (is this just cultural expectation, or confirmation?)
Things that hold me back: I don't feel like I have any novel ideas to contribute to "the body of knowledge" and am pretty tired of school; no confirmation or desire or urging from God pointing me to more school (though granted, no pointing anywhere else either...); expensive bc public health PhDs are not well funded like basic science and engineering are; even further prolonged not-fully-adult-hood (and decreased likelihood of meeting a fella who loves God+people and wants to join together to work on mission together)
Anywhos, I have promised to ask my advisor about it so I shall at least crack the door open to examine options in the realm of further study. Gotta do my due diligence. And see where that goes...

I feel much better having written this out. Mostly, I was frustrated because I felt like there were these expectations thrust on me that I didn't want (plus stress and sleep deprivation = not good combination). And I felt so ridiculous eating dinner under my desk so that I could charge the phone. And I was annoyed by what felt like helicopter parenting.

Some prayers:
- [for me] growing in faith/trust in the Lord and wherever it is that he's leading me. being open to paths that I might not have considered for myself, but where he can make good use of me. patience, joy, and peace in abundance, especially when relating to family. negotiating parent-child relationship in this growing-up phase. not having a "my way or the highway" attitude when I grow up... heh and for good final studying tonight and clarity of mind during the exam tmrw.
- [for mom] trusting God and his sovereignty, so that she doesn't have to be in control of everything. testing this desire for children's success/higher degree to make sure this is not an idol. rest, peace, communication.
- [for A] trusting God for this super complicated, not-so-wonderfully communicated mission trip... and for the next couple weeks at home. grace and peace and patience and tongue-holding and "working as to the Lord" in abundance, even when things seem unfair...
- and for Hton and its flooding and safety for dear ones there; for Bmore and deep systemic issues here; and for this world that is broken and groaning while waiting for redemption to come.

God, you are sorely needed in our household (and in this world) today. I confess that our hearts were heavy and dark today, with a lot of worries and cares that were not from you, and that we were selfish and irritable and complaining. Help us to follow Paul's recommendation to rejoice and give thanksgiving in all circumstances, and to have patience in affliction (even when that affliction is imposed by people close to us who love and care for us) and to be faithful in prayer, not just in making plans for how to help ourselves. Help us to hold loosely to the things that are not of you, and to hold tight to what you have called us to -- to you and to each other and to the work you've prepared n advance for us to do. Help us to see how and when and where you want us to go, and to take joy along the way, and mold us each day to be transformed a little more to be like Jesus. We love you. Amen.

summer

wow, being back in H-ton makes me feel like I never left... except for these babies who are now outside of their mommies' bellies, or who can walk (or talk) now! ahh

so so so thankful for 

- gospel in marriage (presented like 3x over the course of the wedding. good stuff)

- some good talks and catching up with dear ones and Word-studying

- time to play/dance/hug it out with some littler friends of mine

- exploring (and not getting lost in) TMC hospital corridors and skyways

- lol spontaneous ccf family-style dinner and shopping and boba

- an abundance of food and cookery

- surprise visits

- learning how to jumpstart a car

- car convos hehehe super duper quality time

... and little sleep

---------------------------------------------

psalm 103 on my heart today especially when feeling overwrought and frustrated and confused and tired

John Owen quote

Oh, to behold the glory of Christ! Here in would I live, here in would I die, here on would I dwell in my thoughts and my affections until all things here below become as dead and deformed things, and in no longer, any way, calling out for my affections.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
in other news: back in H-ton! =) keke so happy! and yay sunrises! and huzzah weddings!
also, done (heh well, almost done... close enough) with year 1~ *little happy dance* wheeee

banana bread

i've made this banana bread three times in the past week and a half. so light, so good, so adaptable! keke and a good use of 19cent/lb bananas (also a really good stress reliever). must document before i move out of this apartment and recycle all my handwritten recipe-notes from cooking adventures this year.

2 c flour (ap/ww)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg

1/4 c oil or melted/browned butter
< 3/4 c white sugar + 2 tsp molasses, or brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1/3 c buttermilk, or milk+vinegar, or yogurt/sour cream
1 and 1/4 c mashed banana

(add-ins: chopped nuts, seeds, cranberry, chocolate)
(dollop and streak: PB, creamcheese+sugar+egg, nutella)

350F for 35" (9x13), 50" (9x5)
cool at least 15" before slicing

adapted from joythebaker's browned butter banana bread recipe
-------
do not fear, for i am with you; do not be dismayed, for i am your God. i will strengthen you and help you; i will uphold you in my righteous right hand
-------
good to cry during prayer-worship today.

ho boy

i'm stressed out. my brain keeps starting down one path and then fizzling out and running down another path --> nothing actually done. no bueno.
ahhhh too many projectssssss D= and papersssss. and comps. my writing-coherent-ness is like nil right now which bodes very poorly for the next two (four) weeks o.o ruh roh
also, people!!! i'm just starting to get to know some folks who I really really like... and here I am about to leave. sigh.
anddddd i need to find a place to live for the summer. (though this weekend has been semi-productive on that front)
---------
but praises for:
-God's presence (help me to see you more! and trust you more! and work hard for your sake and not for my own self-gain).
-time in prayer with friends, new and old.
-Big Hero 6.
-food in abundance (and 19c/lb bananas!! say whaaa?).
-beautiful May weather. greenness of grass and blueness of skies.
-the END of citywide 10pm curfew!
-revitalization of the church here in Baltimore in face of current events. (may this be sustained, not just a blowing of the wind but a real turning of heart.)
--------
singing this vbs song to myself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvO_Sj4yhzk (heh can't believe I still remember this... learned it in mebbe 2002? back when we hosted vbs in our basement... and where I first learned about Mary Slessor)

languages

glad to have learned. sad to have mostly forgotten (ruh roh!).
cheers for remembering french and spanish well enough to decipher these DHSs though.
(summer project: bantu language family -- swahili?)

sorrow

for this city. for the people who are angry and frustrated and upset. for the people who have lost friends and family and neighbors. for lack of justice and obfuscation and hiding truth and preemptive violent reactance. for the people whose lives and livelihood have been damaged in the riots. for the sin nature that urges folks to vent without care for others.

for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control. 2 tim 1:7

all lives matter. praying tonight for supernatural reconciliation and peace.

---- update 8:47pm

Good Lord. Part of the city is burning. We need you here God. My heart is so heavy right now.

---- update 7:15am

a quiet start to the day. praising God still for the beauty of the earth (esp in springtime) and for people who are loving their neighbors in very practical ways and chiping in to help clean today. new mercies every morning.

ebenezer

let it be remembered this day that God is gracious and provides in glorious abundance, in wholly unexpected and wonderful ways

(hehe i.e. i harvested like 6 cups worth of delicious cheese (gouda! pepperjack! cheddar! muenster!) from a cheese and fruit platter from a very cool malaria-in-pregnancy symposium and WOW is it exciting!! God is so funny! I was just thinking about how to introduce more protein into my diet, and tada!)
(also, i figured out how to do my stata hw! ugh coding. why did i think it was a good idea to take a non-req class that focuses on writing code? ah well, almost done, building skillz. ptl huzzah yayyyyy)
(redemption for all things! like overbaked cookies --> dunk in milk tea = soft, chewy, pliable again)
(and praise for being able to sit with a girlfriend and talk and cry and pray... ever, always, reliance on him)

Oh my

- I'd forgotten HOW AMAZINGLY GOOD taiwanese sausage is. ahhhhh delicious
- To-do list now includes learning Swahili... merpmerp
- Wahh airfare so expensive >.<
- Undeserved graciousness of friend-acquaintances
- God is so good

T-6wks: Recipe roster

(Note to self: things to use up before I move to Austin for the summer! >.< did too good a job saving "food for later")
(share with SBI seminar/Formative class; small group; church staff/worship/volunteers; roommates/neighbors; busdriver Ms. T-; perpetually hungry friends aka L- and M-)

Real food:
napa cabbage and taiwanese sausage
soup (bonito, asian spinach, freeze-thawed silken tofu)
chili? (canned beans, fire-roasted diced tomatoes, corn, jalapenos, green bell pepper)
spaghetti and meatballs (crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, red onion, and assorted spices)
cornbread (creamed corn, cornmeal, milk, eggs)
miranda's sausage and cheese balls? (breakfast sausage, cheese cube collection - crumble)
tilapia with pesto?

Let inspiration strike (strategically defrost one/a couple frozen thing(s) at a time):
[frozen proteins] sausage, dried bean curd, whitefish, cheese slices/cubes
[frozen veg] broccoli, edamame, kale stalks, yu choy, carrots, celery
[pantry] couscous, lentils, pancake mix, grits
[dairy] ricotta, sour cream, cream cheese, yogurt

Dessert
http://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-lemonblueberry-yogurt-cake-with-lemon-cream-recipes-from-the-kitchn-186846 (lemons, yogurt, frozen raspberries)
apple cranberry crisp (fuji collection, canned cranberry, oatmeal, nuts)
http://www.crunchygooey.com/2013/12/soft-spice-cookies-with-cranberry-sugar.html
coconut-taro-tapioca soup round II
cheesecake brownies
something with pie crust?
http://food52.com/recipes/25341-yogurt-bread-with-molasses
thumbprint cookies OR some sort of swirled cake to use up my jam/preserve/lemoncurd collection??

Spring

1. For the beauty of the earth, 
for the glory of the skies, 
for the love which from our birth 
over and around us lies; 
Lord of all, to thee we raise 
this our hymn of grateful praise.

2. For the beauty of each hour 
of the day and of the night, 
hill and vale, and tree and flower, 
sun and moon, and stars of light; 
Lord of all, to thee we raise 
this our hymn of grateful praise.

3. For the joy of ear and eye, 
for the heart and mind's delight, 
for the mystic harmony, 
linking sense to sound and sight; 
Lord of all, to thee we raise 
this our hymn of grateful praise.

4. For the joy of human love, 
brother, sister, parent, child, 
friends on earth and friends above, 
for all gentle thoughts and mild; 
Lord of all, to thee we raise 
this our hymn of grateful praise.

5. For thy church, that evermore 
lifteth holy hands above, 
offering up on every shore 
her pure sacrifice of love; 
Lord of all, to thee we raise 
this our hymn of grateful praise.

6. For thyself, best Gift Divine, 
to the world so freely given, 
for that great, great love of thine, 
peace on earth, and joy in heaven:  
Lord of all, to thee we raise 
this our hymn of grateful praise.

Comparisons

Two posts from very different authors for very different target audiences, running along the same lines.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/04/ways-to-use-facebook-without-feeling-depressed/389916/
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/04/when-you-feel-you-are-not-enough/

My heart aches for Kenya today.

Sad day

Those threadbare penguin pajama pants that I loved? Retirement for them is imminent... D= A loving farewell to my favorite pair of sleeping pants.

Quote from Eugene Cho

A Franciscan Blessing:

May God bless you with discomfort,
At easy answers, half-truths,
And superficial relationships...
So that you may live
Deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression,
And exploitation of people,
So that you may work for
Justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears,
To shed for those who suffer pain,
Rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand
To comfort them and
To turn their pain to joy

And may God bless you
With enough foolishness
To believe that you can
Make a difference in the world,
So that you can do
What others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness
To all our children and the poor.

This week is kinda killer school-wise. Finals, essays, projects, reflections, galore! Getting off the internets now.

Zephaniah 3:17

Tonight at phcf girl's group we did a little study/reflection on Zeph 3:17 -- one of my favorite verses.

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Song to verse here: very twangy, catchy =) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-dniFr5HWo Keke one of the girls sends this song as a baptismal gift! Cute.

Some thoughts:
God is love. And he demonstrates his love (for a people who turns away from, who rejects him again and again) in many ways.
- He is our God. possessive. continual relationship.
- He is WITH us, present in our midst. What a gift, that he never leaves us or forsakes us.
- He is continually working protection over us, promising salvation, no doubt/uncertainty about it.
- He rejoices over us, an abundance of joy, and not out of duty but out of gladness!
- He quiets us by his love, giving peace and rest and security and identity. We don't have to scurry and work and worry. He is worthy of trust.
- He exults over us with singing. Reminds me of the troubadours of yore, writing sonnets to their lady-loves, expounding on beauty of face or form or character. But this is even better because it is God, who knows us inside and out, even better than we know ourselves -- all the good and all the bad -- and yet still exults!! over us! Utter bewilderment at this love that pursues the least worthy, that instills worthiness by function of being chosen, not by internal merit.

Praise be to Him who loves and thus teaches us to love -- to love him back, and to love others as well. Such joy to be reminded of solid truth in his Word, especially on a cold night that feels a tad lonely at the apt with a boatload of work to do before the morrow.

moar snow

it's almost the end of february.
snow's coming down again.

my olive oil turned solid. o.o

what's going on?!

perk: now i can eat my chinese new year leftovers without compunction! snack all day to stay warm, huzzah! so far, small portions of: dumplings, lo mien, you tiao, pajeon, egg rolls, nian gao. (also, just learned that nian gao means "year cake" ... AND "sticky cake" -- how clever! keke)

also, wearing ann's bday-gag-gift tiger hat. and pjs. and mommy's random-sale-find fuzzy boots. haha no need for fashion sense when the only ppl to see me are my roommates and hobbes!

---
yesterday, phcf did a lunch seminar with dr p, an old-timer prof who's been around jhsph forever, it seems like! told us the history of public health (esp international public health, since that's the dept he's in) as related to medical missions and christ-followers whose life mission was to love and serve the poor and underserved all around the globe. amazing stories of people who really did leave everything for the sake of Christ. working with grace and humility. and so cool to see how all these people's stories intertwine. relationships matter oh so much. and ultimately, beautifully, how all these stories (hopefully mine too), all this history, is tied up into His Story.

"A season for the broken heart: a reflection for Lent"

http://www.diomass.org/reflections/season-broken-heart-lenten-message-bishop-gates
thoughtful post. resonates, convicts.

// And also, it's LNY! Haha surprise surprise, my parents are coming over for dinner tonight. I'd thought that I would wait til this term is over in a month to go home... and they're coming to me! And bringing gifts (food and company). Huzzah!

hehe

Today, I met someone who actually uses 

in real life.

Ah this city, how I love you!

Though if it were warmer right now I totally wouldn't mind. Brrrrrrrr

Peanuts

Love is walking hand in hand, Charles Schulz

[second hand books]

http://www.brainpickings.org/2012/03/30/love-is-walking-hand-in-hand-schulz-peanuts/

Old books are beautiful.

nerd alert

Some links for me to find again later since I lose things pretty quickly in email...

• Bible typography (thanks Pastor J for posting on fb -- ah beautiful books, thoughtful lettering, deliberate verse/paragraph placements. lovely Word.)
• Fungus in maple syrup (WOW God is so cool!! such fun organisms! a good complement to my food-and-water-borne disease class)
• NYTimes 36 questions (good for developing intimacy)
• Reminder of his perfect love (thank you Ann Vonskamp)
• Marriage book by Francis and Lisa Chan (sg bookshare)
• Do Chua recipe (my favorite part of bahn mi)

People I'm thankful for

[in transit]

- K, the affable white-haired homeless gentleman who always greets me when I'm walking to church

- J, former bus-driver turned hospital greeter whose intense and intentional care for each person he meets always surprises me (who actually listens for an answer to "how are you?" nowadays? so different, so refreshing)

- T, new bus driver! hehe she's taught me a lot about bus design and driving techniques

[at home]

- parents who care but don't hover (ha! surprising, given previous track record. beyond expectations. though maneuvering parent-child relationship in this growing-up process is still kinda odd. many intersecting roles to play, as relate to homelife and worklife and schoollife and interference/nudging in siblinglife)

- siblings who communicate and share about life, both the deep aching hurting learning growing leaning-in parts and the fun oh-did-you-see-this isn't-this-awesome parts

- roommates who I'm very very slowly getting to know. this idea of living in the same apt but with closed doors is so utterly strange. need a lot more intentionality to grow in closeness.
[Side note: I still prefer what I got used to at home: open doors, everyone in everyone else's faces/space, noise, interaction. You had to work really hard to be alone... developed well-honed focusing skills to filter out hustle-and-bustle-of-other-ppl. Is this normal?? The I don't want to bother you (or I want my privacy) mentality? Is this what typically happens in living situations? in families? This is kinda like what J was like with his parents and I was always so (confused? annoyed? discomfited?) about how separate ppl's lives could be though living in the same space. Perhaps this is more common than I had thought, and I shouldn't have been so frustrated about a household/family style different from my own.]

[in fellowship]

- JHIF folks: hospitality, just wow! such care for students and scholars and workers around the Hopkins med/grad campus, esp those whose homes are far far away. and a deep love for the Word.

- GCB downtown: love. importance of gospel, grace through faith. intentionality of touch. sharing. worship. symbolism of movement and gestures. openness.

- GCB gc: generosity. excitement. REALLY wide range of experiences and backgrounds and coming-to-know-Jesus stories and life trajectories. diversity of ages and ethnicities and voices.

- phcf: ah what a wonder it is to be in an all-girl group! sharing of joy and life and sorrow and guy-troubles and laughter and and food. keke and introducing me to bethel live (jamming out and dancing in my room to this)

[short-list elsewhere]
- A, whose friendship I cherish a whole lot esp after not being in touch through college. glad for a day to traipse through DC together, exploring his work-office and eating delicious munchies and talking about all things under the sun. hehe and for being able to sit in silence and do work without being awkward.

- C, who was willing to do "spiritual bootcamp" with me... accountability and encouragement and mutual wonderment at the awesomeness of God. plus, tidbits of life back in Hton. keke Day 33 aujourd'hui! comme c'est merveilleux!! 

- galfriends who email and gchat and ghangout and call... despite being many hrs and miles apart!

Cold.

Okay. So it's really cold outside. Which means it's cold inside (too many windows a cold room makes). Which means I want to put lots of warm yummies in my tummy.

Today's snack-item: homemade whole wheat tortillas spread with cream cheese and flavored with salt, chili powder, and cayenne.

Running list here:
- COOKIES http://cookiesandcups.com/southern-tea-cakes/
- BREAD (savory, sweet) http://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-make-buttermilk-quick-bread-with-10-different-variations-164621
- DESSERT SOUP http://allrecipes.com/recipe/taro-coconut-tapioca-dessert/

I really really love my church =) Looking forward to what God's doing (and going to do) this year.

Temps dipping under 20 tomorrow. Lots of planning for May travels.