Winter Break

New favorite verse -- Jude 1:2
New favorite pretty-verse-print blog: http://www.frenchpressmornings.com/p/encouraging-wednesdays.html

Drinking just-barely-sweet milk tea and cuddling under blankets on cold winter nights = lovely.

Rediscovered my love of King Arthur stories this winter break. I sped-read through Gerald Morris's The Squire's Tale series in four days. Good for high ideals, sweet romance, snarky humor, heartracing adventures, and deep friendship. Fun lighthearted reading from the kid's section in the local library.

Also, who knew that so many books could be read online for free via the library's digital ebook collection? =D

Coming back to CBCHC is odd: older, kinda more mature, looked up to (in a different way) by kiddos I'd loved and taken care of when they were littler (now they're as big or bigger than me!), honorary aunties/uncles wanting to catch up. It's easy to revert back to who I was back in hs... and yet, I'm not the same. Main difference being that I learned for myself who Jesus is while away, and I can't be who I was anymore. But it's tempting to pretend and slip on that old good-girl self.

Also noticed that most all of my non-church friends here in EC are guys.

And I really like petting dogs. so so so much fun.

Love-interest drama. (side note: I'm much better at talking other ppl through things than I am at applying good relationship-concepts to myself >.<)

Family drama. Different from before. So many nuances to dysfunction. God of reconciliation, help!

Looking forward to going back to Houston on Sat. Miss HCC/GNC/CEF/Houston folks a whole bunch.

Snippets

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.


Heb 12:1-2

Brene Brown's I thought it was just me is a lovely book. Read it overnight. About shame and women and how do we process and how do we built resilience to shame. Really good. Lots of self-examination, and learning more nuanced vocabulary for describing feelings of inner turmoil and reaching out to give/receive empathy.

New definition for courage. ordinary courage (a heart word) "to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart" -- Contrast two kinds of courage: St George (slay the dragon) vs St Martha (befriend/tame the dragon). how do I deal with fear, shame, uncertainty, aloneness, guilt, worry?

I like super-fine-tip pens. so so much. Especially when the ink flows out smoothly, not in dribbles and drops.

Pumpkin is so good! And today is the day! to stock up on candy... =D

Not goodbye, but see you later.

Adoption

An excerpt from David Platt's sermon on Galatians 3:26-4:7

(Pastor David and his wife Heather adopted Caleb a couple years ago.)

Caleb is two and a half years old now, and his favorite question – you know what his favorite question is. A two and a half year old, what's his favorite question? Why – all the time, why, why, why. We do this little thing where I'll look at him and I'll point at him and I'll be like, "I love Caleb." 

And he'll start laughing and he'll point back at me and be, like, "I love Daddy." And we'll kind of go back and forth and we'll just get louder and louder and louder and just start laughing. It's just, you know, one of those things. And the other day this week we were doing that – "I love Caleb," "I love Daddy," and then we got laughing and he kind of caught his breath from laughing and he said, "You love me, Daddy?" 

And I said, "Yeah, I love you, buddy." And he looked back at me and he said, "Why?" And I said, "Because you're my son." He said, "Why?" And I paused. "You love me, Daddy? Why?" "Because you're my son." "Why?" Why is he my son? Why, out of all the children in the world, is this little guy that I'm playing with my son? And I start tearing up, getting emotional. Caleb doesn’t know what's going on. That's the last time he'll ask me why. 

He was just playing with his daddy, now his daddy's weeping, and I just look at him and I said, "Because we came to get you, buddy, and we wanted you in our family." Can I remind you that the God of the universe looks upon your life, church – not the person beside you, in front of you, or behind you. He looks upon your life and says, "I love you." "Why, God? Why would you love me?" "Because you're my son." "Why, God? Why am I your son?" "Because I came to get you. I came for you, and I wanted you in my family." 

This is good. It's good to be a son in the family of God. This is adoption.

Thank you, God, for adopting me as your child. for loving me. for saving me. I'm so sorry for the times I forget you or reject you or run away from you. These happen so so often. Thank you for chasing after me again and again, and saving me from myself. Thank you for salvation by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone. Praise be to you, God, the Lord of heaven and earth, my heavenly father.

Changes

Many changes over the last few months: in day-to-day actions, in career, in life direction, in relationships, in heart attitudes, in understanding of the Lord and the ways He works... But leaving college has been good. Life is different and yet the same. Still so much room for growth and faith -- and Lord, help my unbelief. Help me trust you. Help me to obey your law, to renew my mind, to transform my heart day by day by day. You supply enough strength for today. You give bright hope for tomorrow. You are grace and truth and love.

I am glad for relationships. So glad for the marriage of dear friends today. I look forward to the final ultimate wedding of Christ and his bride. We see right now in a mirror dimly: one day we will worship in full glory. So glad for a sister who is learning anew the transition from friendship to courtship and one day, God willing, to marriage. So glad for sisters in Christ who provide laughter and tears and support and counsel and prayer, pointing always back to the One who is always true -- lounging late at night, drinking tea, contemplating and reflecting. So glad for fellowship.

I am scared about the future sometimes. I don't know what's coming. I don't have much in the way of plans right now. Which is a strange and unsettling state for me. Not-knowing, not-planning, not-in-control. But I know the God whom I believe -- and He has plans for me, though I know not what they are. And He works all things out for good. He is perfect and He is sovereign. His ways are higher than my ways, His thoughts higher than my thoughts. Let me not get in the way, but cling to Jesus.

Peace. Trust. He is enough.

The unlovely

(I'm borrowing the title of this post from one of my dear grown-up-and-married friends.)


Long digression for the next paragraph.

The last couple weeks have been full of final-meetings (read: long conversations, over a meal or a cup of tea) with cell group folks. J's been on my case about being too social lately... spending time I don't have? but I do have time. I have twenty-four hours a day to spend, just like everyone else, and school's not too too strenuous if I'm careful about how and when I do my work. And this stage of life, the freedom of being in college and it being okay to stay up late into the wee hours of the morning, is coming to a close oh so quickly. Or maybe J's concerned that I have trouble saying no to people. And the purpose of saying no is what? To know that the Lord God is my God and he is good and sovereign no matter what I do or do not do, that he does his work in people through me (and in spite of me). But then... Do I do seek out people because I'm afraid that if I don't step up in this way there will be people left alone and uncared for? Do I doubt God's provision and goodness? Am I stealing room for other younger people to step up? On the other hand, when no one steps up to say -- look here, this is not okay, let's get up and work together on this -- things are left undone. And people fall through the cracks. And I know, I know, yes, that God's got us all held securely in his hands and his power to save and redeem and call people to himself is his power alone, not at all mine. Maybe I am focusing too much on the external things-to-do than the internet heart transformation, the reason for action, the gospel. But where then is my place as his daughter, called for good works he planned in advance for me to do? Where is the balance in knowing where and when and how to act? Confused. Time slips away and doesn't come back. Wisdom and discernment. Psalm 1.

Last week Z and I got together with one of our cell group members to catch up on life. We talked a long while about loving other people, especially those in our cell group, since in the last year we've been blessed by the addition of five new members. We talked about whether they are naturally "friend" material or not -- are they like me? do they like the things I do? am I comfortable talking with them? Yes, praise the Lord, he does place people in our lives who are super easy to get along with and in no time at all we are wonderfully close friends. But he also very intentionally places people in our lives who are vastly different in the way they look, think, speak, act, dress from us.

And his command to us regarding these people? To love. Just as he first loved us. To care about how they think and feel, to ask how they (and their friends and family) are doing, to know how they grew up and what their background is, to wonder what their dreams and aspirations are, and ultimately to remind them of Christ and the transforming power of the gospel. It's not natural to ask these things. And it's not natural to want to care about other people. But I don't think it's okay to shutter yourself off because it's unnatural and hard. It's not okay to let "love your neighbors" stay a theoretical command. Every day, will I care? will I ask? will I love? Make a choice. Follow through.

I have trouble loving, still, those  who should be closest to me. Parents, siblings, J. They can be just so frustrating! H asked me yesterday whether I despised my father. Goodness, I hope not. I certainly don't want to. But I can feel a lot of the disdain and bitterness my mom holds towards him roiling in my heart, too. Why can't he act like a grown man? Why can't he ask questions, act like he cares, be involved, start conversations, take action? Why does he wait?! Why is he so afraid? Time passes him by, and he doesn't move. I know he cares. He cares in his heart, and he says so with his mouth, but the action does not come, or it comes so slowly that it's too late and the opportunity is over by the time he's ready.

I feel like such a fraud when I talk with my mom about him. Because I defend him to her, though a lot of the time I feel as she does. I tell her to celebrate small victories, to open up ways for him to be more involved in family life at home. And my speaking is futile because she's given up on him and doesn't even care. Actually, I believe she does care a whole lot about him, but she won't let herself say so for fear of being hurt again, because if she really didn't care she wouldn't even bother telling me all the things that frustrate her about him. I don't know why I try talking her around. She's not in a state that's ready or willing to listen. But I don't want to give him up as lost. I don't want to give her up as lost, either. I worry about the state of their hearts with regard to each other and to God. Only he can change them.

Oh God, my family needs your healing. We need you so badly, every single one of us -- my parents, my siblings, and me. You say that you've died for our sins once for all. It is finished. Sin is conquered. Death has no sting. Don't let them have victory over us. Help us to love you and to love one another, in the big things and in the little daily things in between. Bring restoration to our relationships. Help us to work with one another for your glory, as we witness your grace and power renewing our hearts and minds. You haven't given up on us; so how can we say we're too far gone to be saved? There is no depth so deep that you cannot rescue us. We are the unlovely whom you have transformed to be yours -- holy, beloved, beautiful. Come, Lord Jesus. Do your work.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/03/after-steubenville-what-our-sons-needs-to-know-about-manhood/

Captivity

"After Psalm 137" by Anne Porter

We're still in Babylon but
We do not weep
Why should we weep?
We have forgotten
How to weep

We've sold our harps
And bought ourselves machines
That do our singing for us
And who remembers now
The songs we sang in Zion?

We have got used to exile
We hardly notice
Our captivity
For some of us
There are such comforts here
Such luxuries

Even a guard
To keep the beggars
From annoying us

Jerusalem
We have forgotten you.

Holy

Holy ::
(1) exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness
(2) divine (e.g. For the Lord our God is holy, Psalm 99:9)
(3) devoted entirely to the deity or the work of the deity

Holy, holy holy! Lord God Almighty!
Early in the morning our song shall rise to thee.
Holy, holy, holy! Merciful and mighty,
God in three persons, Blessed Trinity!

Holy, holy, holy! All the saints adore thee,
Casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea;
Cherubim and seraphim falling down before thee,
Which wert, and art, and evermore shalt be.

Holy, holy, holy! Though the darkness hide thee,
Though the eye of sinful man thy glory may not see,
Only thou art holy; there is none beside thee,
Perfect in peace, in love, and purity.

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
All thy works shall praise thy name in earth and sky and sea!
Holy, holy, holy! Merciful and mighty,
God in three person, Blessed Trinity!