entrenched

So tomorrow's my official last day of year 1 of this MSPH program. Comprehensive exam from 830-530, how exciting. But then my cohort will be done with classes and "required knowledge" and off we will scatter for practicum!

But that's not the point of this post, because as important as this exam is, there are just some things I need to write out and get off my chest tonight.

Ugh, my family is so dysfunctional.

You know, this year, I had been pretty in awe of how God's been working in my family -- my parents in particular -- to repair relationships and improve communication (both verbal and non-verbal) and build trust. But oh MY is it easy for Satan to just pop in and feed lies in our hearts and help along frustration and anger and disunity.

I had spent all day studying (cramming) at school, so I called A- on my walk back to my apt just to check on how things were at home. (My parents are moving to a place < 5min from our old house... which, combined with end-of-school for my mom and graduations and random children dropping home for a couple days for a summertime visit and dad having a business trip in India, equals super stress time. sigh especially because certain people in this family (ok me included) have some holding-onto-sentimental-things issues so there's just a lot of STUFF in this house our family of six has lived in for the past 15 or so years.)

And that phone call lasted for two hours, and I ended up eating my dinner while lying on the floor under my desk because my phone was running out of juice... and because my mom totally freaked out about the bajillion-and-one things she has on her plate.

Now, I love my mom. But seriously?! A lot of these things that she's stressed over are way out of her control. And I'm really sorry, but children at home != people who can read your mind and do exactly what you would do. We're people too, with thoughts and feelings and plans and hopes of our own, which may or may not entirely match up with yours. Maybe I can strive to be a "good daughter" and even a considerate, listening, obedient one, but that does NOT mean I'm an extension of you. Wowzers. And why does getting a PhD = changing the world? And how is me pursing a PhD the biggest thing you worry about for me anyway?! What is with this buy-in with worldly success and fame/prestige/credentials? (none of which are necessarily bad on their own, and can indeed be great and wonderful things if used properly, but still, way far from the "chief end of man"). Aughhhhghhgh.

Okay, calming down. I should not bash her. Should acknowledge/confront my own issues.

- Mediator-peacemaker role in family not working so hot because I'm not very full-of-peace-and-joy right now. Really really need supernatural filling of the Holy Spirit, and not  reliance on my own strength or usual equilibrium.

- ??? for the future. What am I doing after December this year? I dunno. (Actually, even though I have a couple things hashed out between now and Dec, jobs and locations that I'm really excited for, there's still a lot of unknowns.) Grow in faith and trust, each step of the way...
Sub-fear: this fall, it'll be my first time in a place where majority of folks are (1) Muslim and (2) non-English-speaking. So that's kinda scary. Exciting, too. And eager to see how I can fit into this community (heh though I'm pretty sure I'll stick out as an azongo given my skin color) and be a witness for Jesus in the ways that I live and work and interact with folks... but still, kinda scary. Need super-connection with God during this time.

- Fear for continued graduate studies. One reason my mom blew up tonight was because she's been pushing me towards a PhD for... well, since I decided not to go to medical school. And I haven't pursued that because I dunno if that's what I want or where I'll be useful.
Things that say "go for it", or at least, not "don't do it" -- GRE scores still valid for a couple years; if stay at Hopkins, then reduced tuition and I do really like my profs here and such amazing work and pre-established relationships; current coursework would count towards PhD coursework so could get done faster; PhD getting more standard expectation in terms of professional credentials; plenty of (Asian) family friend encouraging me (is this just cultural expectation, or confirmation?)
Things that hold me back: I don't feel like I have any novel ideas to contribute to "the body of knowledge" and am pretty tired of school; no confirmation or desire or urging from God pointing me to more school (though granted, no pointing anywhere else either...); expensive bc public health PhDs are not well funded like basic science and engineering are; even further prolonged not-fully-adult-hood (and decreased likelihood of meeting a fella who loves God+people and wants to join together to work on mission together)
Anywhos, I have promised to ask my advisor about it so I shall at least crack the door open to examine options in the realm of further study. Gotta do my due diligence. And see where that goes...

I feel much better having written this out. Mostly, I was frustrated because I felt like there were these expectations thrust on me that I didn't want (plus stress and sleep deprivation = not good combination). And I felt so ridiculous eating dinner under my desk so that I could charge the phone. And I was annoyed by what felt like helicopter parenting.

Some prayers:
- [for me] growing in faith/trust in the Lord and wherever it is that he's leading me. being open to paths that I might not have considered for myself, but where he can make good use of me. patience, joy, and peace in abundance, especially when relating to family. negotiating parent-child relationship in this growing-up phase. not having a "my way or the highway" attitude when I grow up... heh and for good final studying tonight and clarity of mind during the exam tmrw.
- [for mom] trusting God and his sovereignty, so that she doesn't have to be in control of everything. testing this desire for children's success/higher degree to make sure this is not an idol. rest, peace, communication.
- [for A] trusting God for this super complicated, not-so-wonderfully communicated mission trip... and for the next couple weeks at home. grace and peace and patience and tongue-holding and "working as to the Lord" in abundance, even when things seem unfair...
- and for Hton and its flooding and safety for dear ones there; for Bmore and deep systemic issues here; and for this world that is broken and groaning while waiting for redemption to come.

God, you are sorely needed in our household (and in this world) today. I confess that our hearts were heavy and dark today, with a lot of worries and cares that were not from you, and that we were selfish and irritable and complaining. Help us to follow Paul's recommendation to rejoice and give thanksgiving in all circumstances, and to have patience in affliction (even when that affliction is imposed by people close to us who love and care for us) and to be faithful in prayer, not just in making plans for how to help ourselves. Help us to hold loosely to the things that are not of you, and to hold tight to what you have called us to -- to you and to each other and to the work you've prepared n advance for us to do. Help us to see how and when and where you want us to go, and to take joy along the way, and mold us each day to be transformed a little more to be like Jesus. We love you. Amen.

summer

wow, being back in H-ton makes me feel like I never left... except for these babies who are now outside of their mommies' bellies, or who can walk (or talk) now! ahh

so so so thankful for 

- gospel in marriage (presented like 3x over the course of the wedding. good stuff)

- some good talks and catching up with dear ones and Word-studying

- time to play/dance/hug it out with some littler friends of mine

- exploring (and not getting lost in) TMC hospital corridors and skyways

- lol spontaneous ccf family-style dinner and shopping and boba

- an abundance of food and cookery

- surprise visits

- learning how to jumpstart a car

- car convos hehehe super duper quality time

... and little sleep

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psalm 103 on my heart today especially when feeling overwrought and frustrated and confused and tired

John Owen quote

Oh, to behold the glory of Christ! Here in would I live, here in would I die, here on would I dwell in my thoughts and my affections until all things here below become as dead and deformed things, and in no longer, any way, calling out for my affections.

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in other news: back in H-ton! =) keke so happy! and yay sunrises! and huzzah weddings!
also, done (heh well, almost done... close enough) with year 1~ *little happy dance* wheeee

banana bread

i've made this banana bread three times in the past week and a half. so light, so good, so adaptable! keke and a good use of 19cent/lb bananas (also a really good stress reliever). must document before i move out of this apartment and recycle all my handwritten recipe-notes from cooking adventures this year.

2 c flour (ap/ww)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg

1/4 c oil or melted/browned butter
< 3/4 c white sugar + 2 tsp molasses, or brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1/3 c buttermilk, or milk+vinegar, or yogurt/sour cream
1 and 1/4 c mashed banana

(add-ins: chopped nuts, seeds, cranberry, chocolate)
(dollop and streak: PB, creamcheese+sugar+egg, nutella)

350F for 35" (9x13), 50" (9x5)
cool at least 15" before slicing

adapted from joythebaker's browned butter banana bread recipe
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do not fear, for i am with you; do not be dismayed, for i am your God. i will strengthen you and help you; i will uphold you in my righteous right hand
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good to cry during prayer-worship today.

ho boy

i'm stressed out. my brain keeps starting down one path and then fizzling out and running down another path --> nothing actually done. no bueno.
ahhhh too many projectssssss D= and papersssss. and comps. my writing-coherent-ness is like nil right now which bodes very poorly for the next two (four) weeks o.o ruh roh
also, people!!! i'm just starting to get to know some folks who I really really like... and here I am about to leave. sigh.
anddddd i need to find a place to live for the summer. (though this weekend has been semi-productive on that front)
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but praises for:
-God's presence (help me to see you more! and trust you more! and work hard for your sake and not for my own self-gain).
-time in prayer with friends, new and old.
-Big Hero 6.
-food in abundance (and 19c/lb bananas!! say whaaa?).
-beautiful May weather. greenness of grass and blueness of skies.
-the END of citywide 10pm curfew!
-revitalization of the church here in Baltimore in face of current events. (may this be sustained, not just a blowing of the wind but a real turning of heart.)
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singing this vbs song to myself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvO_Sj4yhzk (heh can't believe I still remember this... learned it in mebbe 2002? back when we hosted vbs in our basement... and where I first learned about Mary Slessor)

languages

glad to have learned. sad to have mostly forgotten (ruh roh!).
cheers for remembering french and spanish well enough to decipher these DHSs though.
(summer project: bantu language family -- swahili?)